Most relationships rely on spontaneity, but for those affected with Asperger's Syndrome, surprises may never happen, nor be wanted. For fun to exist, it must be planned.
Many couples can share exciting stories from when they were dating or give examples of spontaneous and fun events in their marriage . They may say how they surprised their spouse for their anniversary. They may lovingly explain how their husband kept a secret for so long to surprise them, or how they felt when they could drop everything to take a trip together. Spontaneity is important to many young couples, but for a couple where one partner is affected by Asperger's Syndrome, surprises and unplanned events may never be experienced.
The Need for Routine
Individuals with Asperger's Syndrome have a high need for routine and like events to be scheduled. People with Asperger's may eat the same thing every day for breakfast. They may insist on keeping the same traditions year after year without trying anything new. They may not be able to handle a disruption in their calendar day or a change in plans. People with Asperger's may not be able to appreciate the fun of a spontaneously planned date from their spouse. It may also be difficult for them to come up with new and fun ideas themselves.Difficulties With Change and Transition
Many wives think it is fun to change things around or to spice things up in a relationship. Many husbands couldn't care less about the decor in their home or how the furniture is arranged, but to a man with Asperger's, a moved couch or newly painted wall may cause panic and upset.Just like they hate change, they may also not be able to handle transitioning from one activity to another too quickly. A spouse with Asperger's must be warned ahead of time before something new is to happen or when an event will end.
Many people with Asperger's cannot handle surprises. While many people would love the sight of a wrapped Christmas present awaiting them or the idea of their friend surprising them with something new, those with Asperger's do not react with the same joy. They would rather not know about a present unless it were the time to open it, and they cannot appreciate something new unless they knew about it ahead of time.
A couple can decide together that it is OK to change the furniture around, paint a room a new color, or change the decorations as long as they discuss it ahead of time or warn the partner with Asperger's of when the change will take place. They can have a different meal on Saturday night as long as they prepare their spouse with the change ahead of time.
It is not so often that a person with Asperger's cannot be spontaneous himself, but that he can't think of anything that his spouse would like to do. Together couples can still have fun even if it means pretending to be surprised when they know ahead of time about an event or present.
Many people with Asperger's cannot handle surprises. While many people would love the sight of a wrapped Christmas present awaiting them or the idea of their friend surprising them with something new, those with Asperger's do not react with the same joy. They would rather not know about a present unless it were the time to open it, and they cannot appreciate something new unless they knew about it ahead of time.
Asperger's Syndrome and Dating
Dating may not cause too many problems for a person with Asperger's, particularly if the person affected is the one planning the dates. This will allow him to handle all the decision making and planning of events. Even when not scheduling the events, the activities are usually planned enough ahead a time to give the partner with Asperger's time to accept the idea and be ready. It may not be so much that a person with Asperger's does not like to try new and different things, but that he just needs some extra time to process the ideas and be emotionally ready.Asperger's Syndrome and Marriage
Once married, a couple affected with Asperger's may feel more at ease with each other. The partner with Asperger's Syndrome may feel he does not need to go beyond his comfort zone to impress his spouse. He will settle even more into his set habits and routines as marriage goes on. He may be more than happy to spend all his days with his spouse in the comfort and familiarity of their own home. However, this does not always make the marriage fun for the spouse.Compromise in an Asperger Relationship
Over time, a couple living with Asperger's Syndrome will learn what upsets the affected spouse and what rituals must be kept the same from day to day. They may know that they can't drop everything to go out to a movie or always go on an unplanned date. They may not be able to change the one day a week that they have breakfast for dinner, but they can find some compromises in their marriage.A couple can decide together that it is OK to change the furniture around, paint a room a new color, or change the decorations as long as they discuss it ahead of time or warn the partner with Asperger's of when the change will take place. They can have a different meal on Saturday night as long as they prepare their spouse with the change ahead of time.
Accepting Planned Spontaneity
Couples with Asperger's may have to accept that there will not be a lot of surprises in their relationship. They can find a way to have fun and try new things, although it may have to be planned. Some couples may be able to write down a list of suggestions for each other of ideas that would be fun, and then they can choose from these approved events before planning a new date.It is not so often that a person with Asperger's cannot be spontaneous himself, but that he can't think of anything that his spouse would like to do. Together couples can still have fun even if it means pretending to be surprised when they know ahead of time about an event or present.
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